Saturday, June 2, 2012

changes



This is a warning, So if you are squeemish in the least little bit, please click away now. this is your last chance, I have warned you.
This year has been a year of many changes. My youngest graduated high school. With it has brought on lots of mixed emotions. Empty nest syndrome and things like that. I keep thinking, oh it will only last a day or two. But no. I feel very lost and of no use any more. For over 20 years I had a purpose. That purpose was to raise, feed, clothe and make sure the kids went to school. Now what do I do? We are working on publishing more books. I am desperately trying to find a job. I feel about as useful as a door buzzer that hasn't been used in years.


I was at a building today and saw a buzzer on the side of the building and felt like that buzzer. It isn't used any more. but at one time it had a purpose. Now, its just there. Empty nest syndrome? probably, a bit of depression mixed in? More then likely. How will I get out of this mess? I am not really sure. I can very easily visualize myself trying to dig my way out of a pit and not getting anywhere.  This coming Tuesday I am to go to Fort Dodge and get my class A CDL. I didn't have the money. I was going to reschedule. My youngest, darn him anyway. Came up and gave me the money to go. It was his graduation money. I am emotional, empty and just don't have a clue as to how to get out of it. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for but all I feel is empty.
I have great friends here on the net and in the world. I have wonderful kids,  a good husband, and my health.  But just not sure where I fit in any more. for the first 18 years I didn't have children. For the last 26 years I have been a mom. While I was going to school I felt like I had a purpose. It felt like a job. I felt good and like I was needed. Now that is gone, I graduated, Kids are out of school, not needed there any more. Just not sure where I fit in any more.
This year has been full of change. I don't know if it is a good change or not.  A friend of Hubby's had asked us to go on a cruise with them to Hawaii a year and a half ago. We said we would save up the money for it. That didn't happen. Life happened but the money never got saved up. I feel as if I let hubby down too. I would love to say I have a positive spin to add on to this, but at this point I don't have one. I don't have an upbeat outlook on this. I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't know what to do. I will keep plugging away and keep trying but I just don't know where this is going to go or what is at the end of it. Sorry for the downer blog and sorry that it doesn't have a cheerful end or even a positive spin on it. Its just me.