Saturday, February 9, 2013

PTSD

Some people might think that PTSD is only for people who have been in a war situation. Its also if you have experienced a traumatic event in your life. It can be a car accident, it can be from an abuse, or it can be from other things as well.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Back in 2000 when I worked at F & M Bank as a teller we had a robbery. I was the teller the robber came to. I kept working even after that day. didn't take any time off. Had my three little visits to a shrink that was allowed by company policy. But a few months later we had another incident where a car with four young people came up to the drive up wanting to cash out of state checks with out of state phony I.D.'s. I knew they were phony because they were obviously tampered with military id's. I was going to tell them we can't do it due to bank policy when I saw one of the young men get out of the car and run into the building. I knew right then and there it was going to get bad if we didn't cash those checks. There was only the two of us in the bank at the time so I cashed them. I called up to the main office and talked to the manager there and told her what happened and gave my two weeks notice. I just couldn't do it any more. Since then I have bounced from job to job. Haven't been able to hold on to one since then for any great length of time. The longest one was two years. This week has been a bit of a sticky wicket. I am working as a cashier at a local store that has us watching Computer Based Learning modules. One of them is about Robbery. I thought I could watch it. I have been doing pretty good lately. I thought. I can actually watch a tv show with a robbery in it and not have a panic attack. Its been over 12 years I figured I would be alright. I was wrong. I was watching it and they showed a scenario in where a woman demanded money. I started tearing up and my hands started shaking. I just couldn't watch it any more. I lost it. I take meds for vertigo that is caused by the PTSD. So yeah, I am not as over it as I thought. I haven't slept much since then either.
I just want to return to some sort of normalcy. I just don't want to be a victim. Everyone says, don't be a victim but they never really tell how to NOT be a victim. I am doing my best but right now, its coming out in no sleep and when I do fall asleep I jump when I wake. So today I got something to help me sleep. No not booze or some of those pills that can be highly addictive. Just a natural herb to help me sleep. I hope it works. Why am I saying all this? Because I want to let others know, its alright to not have a perfect past and its things like this that helps bring out good stories and helps the writer heal themselves in a way. At least for me its theraputic. I have talked to shrinks and thats all that ever happens. I talk, they "listen" and thats it. They don't suggest doing this excersize or that, just talk. I have talked about stuff till I'm blue in the face. It hasn't helped. I still have panic attacks if I am in an overly crowded area. Banks can be very bad for me too. I hate going in to them because I just feel very trapped and like at any time an idiot is going to walk in and do something stupid. I hope that soon I can get back to something akin to normal soon. I don't want to take as long as it did the first time. Well I hope this helps one person at least. If nothing else it has given me a way to vent. Thanks for listening.